woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
i think i just lost a toe
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
