She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
