our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
