yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
