I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
