Capitaan dildo arrescate!
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
