I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
