Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
