it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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