you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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