Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
