just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
