I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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