how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
