five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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