He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
