She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
