yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
