i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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