So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
