I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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