sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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