I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Someone signed my nipple.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
