if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
