forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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