Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
