what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
