wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
