Someone shit on the floor
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
