Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
