If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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