apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
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