So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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