I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
