I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
