I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
