My liver just broke up with me...
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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