how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
