mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
