we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
