Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
