I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
