He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
