My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
