She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
