Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
