can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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