I want to walk on stilts...naked
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
