you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
