It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
